Boy how time flys!!

Now that the summer is almost over and it is time for the kids to start schoolwork again I guess I should give an update. We are now living in an area just outside of Wilmington called, Winnabow. Shannon loves the area but the girls and I would still rather be back home. I have tried to adjust but feel like it is just to much on me emotionally. When I am there for a long period I feel so depressed that I look to find a reason to come back home.

The girls are not adjusting too well either. Marissa cries every night holding a picture of Ma-maw or Pop Pop. Makayla is back to not sleeping through the night and peeing in her pants. Mariah is doing okay but I m having a hard time with her obeying and not picking on her sisters. When we do come home, the girls have such an attitude change that you would not think it was the same children.

I am going to home school Mariah this year. Mostly for personal reason but still going to try just the same. I need her around to help out around the house (home schooling can be done in less time than public school) and it will allow us the flexibility and freedom to come home when I need some long overdue help from family. We can come home and bring school work with us and not worry about her school schedule.

I still plan on trying to go back in January to work on my Master's program. I will hopefully have enough credits by September that I can find a good job and put all 3 of the kids in school and only pay daycare fees for one. I am planning on trying to find a job back around Elizabeth City for the purpose of having family that can watch the kids.

The move has been so very tough on Shannon's and I 's marriage. We are standing on some really rough ground that I feel like could give way any time. I feel like he should help out more around the house and he thinks he does plenty. He has made some advancement (like putting his plate in the dishwasher and occasionally doing some disciplining of the kids from the recliner) but I need more help and am even more scared for what the next few months will bring. I am not perfect either, as I am constantly gripping at him over his job because sales are down and the money is not coming it. I think it would probably be easier on him if I would quite but sometimes stress takes over and I hate to see him work 60+ hours a week and make nothing for it.

I guess this whole post has turned into me complaining about moving and I'm sorry. I don't know if we made the right decision to move but I do know that something has to give in or we won't make it much longer. They say things happen by God's plan but it has really tested my faith over the last year and I can truly say my faith is starting to become weak. I continue to read the bible every morning in the hopes of trying to strengthen my faith again and continue to pray for God to help change my attitude and my life around to a more manageable situation.

Moving is for the birds

I have been packing up the house for hte past few days and am now ready ot call it quits. Still have the kitchen, the two little girls rooms, all bathrooms and my room still to pack up. I have most things down off the wall and the playroom done. Mariah's room is packed up. I need to pack up all of the towels, sheets and lots more stuff. I'm tired of this an ready to just sell off the whole house.

Any help, please feel free to call :)

The Perfectionist in Me!!!

Well I have had a lot on my mind lately and things are going pretty good. We found a house in Wilmington (as we are no longer going to G-Ville). Shannon wanted an older home but I just could not settle. We are moving into a new home that is about $200 more a month. So much for my small shopping sprees each month. I have started packing up the house on my own but, Mariah has been a big help.

The truth now, I am scared to death to move. I am trying so hard to be strong for the girls but break down every quiet moment I have. I love E-City and have called it home for so many years. I always dreamed of raising my girls in my hometown where I felt safe and always had a friend to turn to. I don't want to leave my family and have become so jealous of those that get to be with there family nearby. I am still hoping and praying every day that something will come through and it will be totally temporary. I would love to come home again really soon. As for now, I am following the path that the Lord has laid before me.

As for the title of this blog, it is because so many people hold me up to such a high extreme that I feel like I have to me that perfectionist all of the time. I want to me that strong person and never fall or falter but I have to admit it that I am as far from perfect as the next person. My faith in God has been put to the test and I can only hope that I pass. I want to be the perfect mom and always be there for my kids. I want them to experience the best things in life but know how to deal when things go wrong. I know that I trip and fall a lot but I still feel like my family and close friends expect more from me.

Here lately I have put so much on myself and have been asked to do so much for others that I am getting way to bogged down. But once again the perfectionist in me does not have the heart to tell anybody no. I want to always do for others first and that makes it hard on me. Shannon's grandma wants us to throw her a 50th wedding anniversary party in July. I don't have the heart to tell her but, I just can't take on another huge task. She doesn't understand that it would all fall on my shoulders as her children either do not live around here or do not have the resources. I am taking care of 3 kids on my own most of the time (as Shannon is gone away more that he is at home right now), pregnant, and trying to pack up a whole house to be prepared to move. Am I just being too selfish or what? Inside I feel like I am falling apart and can't even go to the bathroom because I quietly cry during the few minutes I have to think about it all. (Part of it is probably the hormones!)

Well I guess I have gone on long enough about me. Marissa is finishing up t-ball and Mariah has 2 more games left in the season. Her team is tied for 1st place in the division and I could not be prouder of all of the girls. The 1st scrimmage game they got their butts handed to them on a silver platter and they are now unstoppable. They have learned how to play the field and to hit the ball. Dance is over for the summer and the recital (besides wearing me out) went really well. We are on to VBS in July. I will be coming home that week to help and let the kids go with their friends. Marissa had a birthday in May and Makayla has her party tomorrow, the big 3! Goodbye terrible twos for a little while...whew :) I am down to one birthday party in August, of which we will come home for also and then on to a new baby in October. Maybe by 2009, things will begin to settle down some and a normal life will return. I am still struggling with the idea of homeschooling Mariah and the other two fro the coming year. It would help me out with the schedule of having a baby and being out of commission for a while and allow me more time to come home but it would also be a huge undertaking within our household. Mariah wants to try homeschooling but it would have to be all 3 of the girls or none. I think my decision is going to be determined on rather Marissa can get into prek for the school year or not. She needs some schooling to help her prepare for K so if she doesn't get into prek then I will have to do it at home. If I have to school her then I mine as well do all 3 of them. Need to add that my parents are strongly against it and Shannon isn't to fond of the idea but will let the decision ultimately lie on my shoulders. Any suggestions, I am open?

Well I guess I should get the girls in bed and prepare for bed myself as I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Just a hint of one day around here, I am having a yard sale tomorrow morning, the girls have ball pics in the morning (Shannon is taking them), and Makayla's birthday party is tomorrow afternoon. No wonder I stay so tired.

Constant Changes

Makayla came through surgery okay. They 10 days following the usrgery were really tough. She did not sleep well at night and would throw the horrible fits just because things didn't go her way. I only got about 12 hours of sleep that week so my temper was not in the mood to handle it most of the time.

I am now finished with work and taking some time to enjoy my kids. Summer is officially on us and we are looking forward to spending time at the beach. We got word on Tuesday of last week that we are officially going to Wilmington instead of Greenville. We knew there was a possiblity that the position could come open and had said that if it did we wanted 1st dips at it. I love being by the beach and my brother. Shannon will have a large territory to cover, from Rocky Mount to Florence, SC but his pay will increase and he should bonus every month. He will probably work a lot until I can go back to work and take some of the pressure off of him.

A positive and very exciting bit of news, we had our 20 week ultrasound and the US tech said that she would not give us a 100% assurance but she thought the baby was a boy. The unbilical cord was between the legs and we could not get a perfect shot but when the blood flow wa turned on you could distinguish between the sex organs and the unbilical cord. The US tech said there was no recognition of girl parts and after 3 girls I didn't see any either but she could see a sac. In another pic she had taken earlier on she showed what she also thought was a sac. I don't know that they will do another US but we will see. I do have to find a doctor in the Wilmington area tough because it is too far to travel with gas prices to come home weekly for appts later on.

I guess that is all of the news for now. I do not know when I will post again as I have a lot of packing to do in a short period of time. We have to be in Wilmington by July 1st. We are going down this coming week to find a house to rent.

A lot on my mind

I am so hormonal and have had a lot of stresses in the past year but nothing has me more upset than what my family is facing on Friday. Makayla has been to several doctors and finally to Dr. Hood in Va. After the first visit and other doctor recommendations, she has to have some minor surgery.

She goes to CHKD on Friday to have her tonsils and adnoids removed. I knwo that a lot of kids have this done and are fine as I am sure Makayla will be fine also. It is just really bothering me that she has to be put to sleep. The doctor said that she will only be under for 30 minutes but she will be in recovery for anywhere from 3 to 6 hours. Usually at her age they like to keep them overnight but she is so close to being 3 that he is going to try to let her go home the same day. The doctor did say that he would keep her if there were any complications or unforseen circumstances.

She is having the surgery because she has sleep apnea. She will quit breathing at night for as long as 45 seconds. It doesn't sound like a long time but when you are the one that is listening to her and she is not breathing it feels like forever. There have been several times that she has been asleep on the couch in our room and I have started to get up to wake her when she starts breathing again. The diagonsis is that her adnoids are so large that the block her airway when she sleeps. They are going to take the tonsils out just to keep from having to go back later and doing it if she ever has a problem with strep throat.

The hard part the doctor says is gonna be the 10 days after the surgery. She is not allowed to go outside because of the introduction of infection in the air. She is supposed to be inolved only in "quiet" play. I am supposed to force fluids into her to keep her hydrated. My mom is taking the other two girls to my brothers for the weekend so that they won't be running in and out. If they go out, Makayla is gonna want to go along. The next week is gonna be tough because the girls have ball games and I am gonna wanted to go but someone has to stay home with Makayla.

Just keep us in our prayers for the next few weeks. I will update you after the surgery and try to get some pics up of her from that day.

This is tough

Well, I thought that it would be a fairly easy transition moving from Elizabeth City to Greenville but, boy was I wrong. Shannon has been commuting back and forth and staying with friends in Greenville at least two sometimes three nights a week. I think this is the toughest part right now, trying to handle all three of the kids and I am still not feeling all that great.

We are having a difficult time trying to find a house that is a big as we need for our family but within our price range. Shannon thinks he found on but it is in Wilson, which is another 30 minutes from home. It does have four bedrooms which is the main thing I am looking for in a house.

I am really starting to get nervous about moving. I have never lived any where but here as far back as I can remember. I am afraid for my kids to have to change schools. I do not want to have to pack everything up and unpack it. I really hate moving and when you get down to the bottom line this is tough on all of us. I keep my faith in the Lord because he gives me the strength to get through it all.

I Quit!!!

Well, I tried to take Shannon up on his advice and quit my job. Not that I work all that much but it does take some of my time away from what I need to be doing as a mom and wife. I told my boss that I would work through the end of April but that wasn't good enough. He advised me to take a few months off (because I work part-time it is not that big of a deal) and when things settle down to let him know and he would start sending work my way.

I thought about this idea for a long time as I don't know when my life is gonna settle down, if it ever will. In the end I decided to take his advise and told him to give me at least until we get to Greenville. My problem lies that I don't make a fortune so paying someone to watch the kids is tough. Some weeks I might make $200 and other weeks I might only make $50. This week I didn't make anything but didn't work but about an hour on the ride home from Greenville (I didn't bill for it). I have someone that would watch the girls for me but I am still preplexed as to if it is going to be worth while.

We are still looking for a house in Greenville and will keep up posted as to when we find one but for know your thoughts on the subject of work would be great. Maybe someone else's wisdom could help enhance mine...LOL! Gotta get ready to go to church and get the kids dressed. We are trying to potty train Makayla so she is usually naked when we get ready to leave the house.

Trying to get into the purple and gold spirit, nice touch, huh?

Do they have an energy pill that is safe for the pregnant women of the world??

I think I really need some more energy. Everybody keeps telling me that at 13 weeks I will get my energy back but I will be 13 weeks tomorrow and am still totally drained.

Anybody with any ideas on how to actually get me off the couch, I am open for suggestions. I have all of the good intentions when I get up in the morning but they all crumble by about noon time and by 2 I am struggling to get a shower. I need to get my house cleaned and the weeds pulled out of the flower beds but I don't feel like doing a single thing...LOL!

PS They also need to make liposuction of belly fat mandatory after having the third and consecutive children.....LOL:)

Long time, No write!!!

Okay so it has been a while but I have my excuses. I haven't been feeling too well lately so I haven't done more than laying on the couch. I am now in week 11 of the pregnancy and ready for week 13 to get here.

Shannon started his new job and he says that he is loving it but me on the other hand, that is a different story. He is gone a lot and when he is home he is upstairs working. I am having a tough time dealing with the kids and housework and trying to keep up on work. Shannon keeps telling me to quite work but we really need the little bit on money we do receive from me working. Plus it makes me feel like I am doing a little something to contribute to the household bills. I will quite in June anyway when we go to Greenville but would like to stay through then.

That brings me to the point of what I actually do around the house. As a stay at home mom, I do contribute just not financially. I would love to go out and get my dream job but it is just not feasible with three children under the age of 5 (as of October). I have to keep reminding myself that I am a vaulable resource to our house. Sometimes it is hard to do especially when I don't feel like getting off the couch. Are there any more of you out there who feel this way? If so it would be nice to know that I am not alone.

Update of Life!

Well, it has been a while since I have put up a post so I thought that I would updated as to what is going on.

Shannon starts a new job on the 10th in Greenville, NC with Home Depot. He is going to be commuting back and forth until Mariah gets out of school. At that point in time, we will find a house in the area and will move to Greenville. It is still close enough to home that the next bit of news I am gonna give will be possible. We are going to have a 4th baby in October. I am going to deliver here at home and while in Greenville, I am gonna come home for my appointments and we will schedule an induction date for delivery.

We are hoping for a fresh start and a little boy. Things are finally starting to look up for us and I know that we will be okay. Sometimes the answers that you are looking for and pray for comes on God's time and not yours but I remember that I am always in his care and his plans are what is best for me.

Trials and Tribulations

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. "

I found the above quote on someone's my space page and it hit me just right. I think I have learned to live by this and have realized that I am only a stronger person because of what I have gone through. Now that it is in the paper, I guess I can write about it.

As most of you know, Shannon was self-employed in construction and we were doing very well until about August of 2007. the bottom fell out for us then, Shannon was not getting any work and we were having to pull everything we had in savings just to make ends meet. We had some advance warning of what was to come and had tried to stop it by getting regular jobs but we just couldn't survive without the money from the business and it was not coming in. We made our last house payment in October of 2007 and our house was listed in the paper this week under forclosures. It is not going to be forclosed on right now but if it does not sell shortly we will lose it. We can't make enough money to make the payments because we were making so much money that we were living at our means and didn't plan on a fall of this gratitude.

I guess I am kinda just putting it all out there right now but sometimes it really does help. I also know that only a handful of people actually read my blog that know me and those people are ones that I trust. I just wanted to let everybody know that I am one of those poeple that should have fell apart but am still managing to hold it together. This is only one of many trials and tribulations that we are going through right now and my true friends know what else is going on and support me and stand behind me. I appreciate the friendships I have with all of you and you all help me to get through each day in your own way and there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel blessed to have each of you in my life. You have all touched my life in one way or another and will never be forgotten.

The verge of my mental breakdown!!

Okay, so I try to be the happy-go-lucky person that people know me as but I think right now I am dying inside. I truely think that I am on the edge of a mental breakdown. I can't go into everything that is going on but just know that one of the problmes I am dealing with would be a lot for one person to deal with but I am dealing with about four major life changes.

I just wanted to let anybody who reads my blog to keep me in your prayers because I need them now more than ever.

To clarify

A sto my early post, I don't want to sound like a total B. I do love my husband and he has some great qualities as well the bad ones. I guess you have to take the bad with the good.

I am very grateful for him and he is a lifesaver at many times. We were meant to be together and blessed to have found each other.

I am positive!!

Okay so this is gonna be one of those blogs where I rant about how I hate something. You may want to skip reading it but i just ahd to get it out ad I figured what better things to do than type it. My other choice was to stand in front of the mirror and yell at myself. So here goes:

I am a positive person for the most part but I am married to one of the most negative people I know. Yes, I love and would change a thing but I just have to know, all of you negative people out there, where do you find happines? How do you live from day to day with so much negativity and hate for the world and the circumstances that you live in? Do you only feel happy and satisfied when things are going good? If that is the case, you live a pretty miserable life because in the normal person's life things are bad 75% of the time and good only 25%. This doesn't mean that life is bad or that you can't be happy.

I am going through one of the worst times in my life right now and yes, I have a hard time some days. For the majority of the time though, I love my life and I am relatively happy. I cry when things are tough but I have to get it out so that I can be tougher than the situation. I control what I do in life and the decisions I make. If I am always negative about my life then my life will be full or negative things. I try to think about what could happen good to me today. I wake up every morning to 3 beautiful, health girls who love me unconditionally and what more reason to always look for the good in the things I do. I might not always enjoy my day or even like my job but if I keep going things will get better and I will once again be on top of the world. Yes, I will fall back down in the valley again and have to fight to get back to the top for my short reign in glory but the fight is what makes life worth living.

I want to be the person who smiles when I feel like dying inside. I want to be the person that people remember as always being happy and could make anyone smile when my heart is breaking and my days are long. I want to be the person that my girls can look to for the positive response. I want to be the person that shows them how to always remember that no matter how bad life seems now there is alwyas someone out there who has it worse than you. I hope that my girls grow up to be the person that I am because I am proud of what I have done and who I have become. I want my girls tosee me go through the hard times and keep smiling knowing that I will come out the other side a better person.

I pray every night that my husband will one day change his attitude on life and his outlook of the world. If not so be it, he is who he is and I love him for it. It would just make my job easier.

Well gotta go do some work, TTYL!

Decision Time

Well, as most of you know Shannon was going to take a job with Home Depot in New York. We were going to go up to Albany for the weekend this coming weekend but things have fallen through. Supposedly, they have a policy that if you work for them and quite in less than six months they place you on a "no hire" list. It would be nice to have known that before they called him up and offered him the job and got our hopes up.

Now we are back to where we were 2 months ago, at decision time. I want to go back to work but finding a job in this small town is really, really hard. I would like to get on at the Coast Guard base and I thought it would be easier as I already have some civil service experience but I guess that doesn't help much. My dad has a buddy who said that he would keep his ears open for a job in my field and let me know what to do. He said that he would pull all the strings he could to get me on but who knows what will happen. I have started looking for jobs outside of the area but still in the state. I really don't want to go too far from home because my parents and Shannon's grandparents have such a huge influence on the girlz lives.

I hate to make major decisions in life, mainly because I am afraid of making the wrong decision. I know that things will work out and if I pray harder enough, God will answer my prayers and help me make the decisions I need to make.

Recent Updates

Not a whole lot to report lately. We all had a good Christmas and the girls got more than I ever imagined. It took me several days to find the floor under all of the toys and clothes. I did get my ipod, thanks shannon. Shannon got Guitar Hero and was addicted to the TV for several days. I truly didn't mind though because the girls and I went out of town to Travis's house for a few days.

New years was next and we did the married couple with kids things and stayed home to watch the ball drop on TV. I personnally had to fight to stay awake but I did make it. We didn't do the kissing thing because we were both to lazy to get up off the couch to meet each other in the middle. I guess that's how you know when you have been married tooooooooooo many years....LOL!!!

I went back to work on Friday. I am only working part time with the same company I was working for until Sept 2007. They called me up and asked if I would be interested in coming back part time. Of course we need the money so I said yes but it had to be on a limited basis. I am working on average one day a week away from the house and usually a total of one day a week at home. I would still like to find a full time job that will help pay some of the bills and cover daycare fees.

I know that all of our dreams will come true one day, they may not be the same dreams then that we are dreaming for know but they will come true. It is funny how your hopes and dreams change with age and I expect that mine will change again as I get older. I continue to have faith and a storng trust in the Lord. So, I guess that is my resolution for the new year to continue to hold strong to my faith and to always look for the good in life even when there isn't much hope left. One of my favorite quotes is "It always rains the hardest on those who need sun the most." I beleive this is true but one day the rain will stop and the sun will shine.

Wishing you all a great '08, with continued success and joy in life.